By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
