after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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