I think I won the penis lottery.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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