im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
