Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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