He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
