you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
