Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
