You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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