we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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