When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
