Your face is a jimmy john
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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