Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
