Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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