my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
