she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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