You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
