She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
