cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
