please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
