she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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