My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
