Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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