Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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