can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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