i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
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