In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I have fence marks all over my body
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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