I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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