God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
