I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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