Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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