I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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