SEEEEXXX PLEASE
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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