Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
this hospital has no fireball
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
