the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
