you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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