She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
