you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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