Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
