I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
