And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
