Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
