I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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