My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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