you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
