Define "chronic" masturbator.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
