sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
