I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
