Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
