Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
