I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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