We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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