Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
